Good Clean Jokes - Relative to what?

Two economists meet on the street.
One inquires, “How’s your wife?”
The other responds, “Relative to what?”

Good Clean Jokes - An economist’s speech

The following is supposedly a true story.
An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the
problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more
than a dozen of government officials attending.
To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy,
tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so […]

An economist’s logic

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they
became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up
and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the
sun.
Finally he said, ‘ OK see that big mountain over there?’
‘Yes’, answered the others eagerly.

Good Clean Jokes - Spread sheet

I work with a person who is notorious for leaving work early. A couple of his
“friends” decided to pull a prank on him by constructing a spreadsheet showing
the hours he worked for the last 6 months. The fictional spreadsheet showed he
averaged 35.6 hours a week (although he’s required to work 40). The spreadsheet
was enclosed in […]

Good Clean Jokes - A little

1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine”?
2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”
1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she
received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened.”
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?”
1st Person: “It’s a pretty […]

Good Clean Jokes - Coordinates

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered
easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular
coordinates and it couldn’t understand them. All the horse’s acquaintances and
friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn’t. Then a new guy
looked at the problem and said,
“Of course […]

Good Clean Jokes - Stabbed

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the
man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can
you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.
“I’m a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof.”
“Yes, go on,” said the […]

Good Clean Jokes - Overcapacity

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Good Clean Jokes - In the dark

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such
ineptitude.”
The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a
word with him.”
[Dramatic pause]
“Hi George. […]

Good Clean Jokes - Three freshman

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between
classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an
electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a […]

Good Clean Jokes - Top Ten Things

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn’t Teach You
1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except
the […]

Good Clean Jokes - Driver illegally parks

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 […]

Good Clean Jokes - Travel in the far east

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them […]

Rolls-Royce vs. Yugo

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, […]

Get me off this train

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
“Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what […]

Snake solves problem

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had […]

Good Clean Jokes - Blown A Seal

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the
Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man
opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said, ” It looks like you’ve
blown a seal “, the man replies “No, it’s just frost on my moustache.”

Good Clean Jokes - The foreign man

Their was an foreign man who knew a little english and lived in a hotel, so
one day he told the waitress “i wanta f***” the waitress said “what!!!” i want
f*** i wanta f*** on the table” the waitress answered and said “u better not u
son of a bitch” so the waitress left mad and never […]

Good Clean Jokes - Giving Sad News to a Troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private
Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So
the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report […]

Good Clean Jokes - Saving Money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they
have sex the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the
bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked
the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the
masses of coins, there […]

Where Are My Meds?

How many manic-depressives does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let
them them cry in the dark.

Did you here about the cross-eyed …

Did you here about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn’t keep control of her
pupils.

Good Clean Jokes - Animal Wackiness

What’s the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge? By opening the door and putting it in.

Good Clean Jokes - A Zoo Story

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, “Take that penguin to the zoo, now.” Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, “What on earth are you doing with that penguin?” The guy says, “What is there to […]

Good Clean Jokes - Horse Sense

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer […]

Good Clean Jokes - Blonde Test

If a rooster’s on top of a barn door and lays an egg, does the egg fall on the north or the south side? Roosters don’t lay eggs, stupid!

Good Clean Jokes - Big Testicles

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the […]

Good Clean Jokes - Rooster Plays B-ball

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
It heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

Good Clean Jokes - Thanksgiving Turkey

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, “Happy Thanksgiving!”
Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, ”He gave you the bird!”

Good Clean Jokes - Robins In My Yard

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun. I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ”I’m hungry!” So the mother cat said, ”What would you like?” The kitten replied, ”I don’t know!”
Then the mother cat looked at the robins and […]

Good Clean Jokes - Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back […]

Good Clean Jokes - The Hunting Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well […]

Good Clean Jokes - 20,000 Cockroaches

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

Good Clean Jokes - A baby worm wakes up in the morning

A baby worm wakes up in the morning.
- Good morning, mom. Where is daddy?
- He went out fishing with some dude.

Good Clean Jokes - Lion Tamer

wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“Well, then I take that big chair they […]

Good Clean Jokes - Two flowers:

Two flowers:
- I love you, darling!!!
- I love you, too!!!
- I want you so much!!! Where the fuck are those darned bees?

Good Clean Jokes - My daddy greatest

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, “My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank.” The second boy said, “That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!” The third boy said, “That’s nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!”

Good Clean Jokes - Bugger it

A businessman and a priest were playing golf. The businessman swung his rod and missed completely . He swore “Bugger it , missed!” .
Hearing this , the priest got annoyed . “Don’t swear like that , my son ” he admonished him. The businessman duly apologised and promised to be more careful. But it happened again the next time he missed. Again the priest admonished him and again he apologised.When it happened for
the third time , the priest flew into a rage and told him that if he swore again, God will surely punish him for that. The businessman, really contrite , promised to behave himself. So he took careful aim and swung his rod..and missed.As he started to say “Bugg..”, there wasa loud clap of thunder and a streak of lightning struck the priest dead.
Suddenly a voice boomed from the heavens “Bugger it , missed !”

Good Clean Jokes - Pink curtain

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
“I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains”. The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “fifteen inches” “Fifteen inches???” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small, what room are they for?” The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “but Miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo ………… . I’ve got Windoooooows!”

Good Clean Jokes - Water hole

One day, Little Johnny’s grandmother sent him to the water Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma’s house as fast as he could.
“Where’s my bucket and my water?” She asked.
“I can’t get any water from that water hole, there’s a mean ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for years,
And he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

Good Clean Jokes - A woman scorned

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: ” Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says: ” An Italian girl!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!”
“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!”
Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are dangerous !

Good Clean Jokes - Unbreakable comb

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said, “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside.”

Good Clean Jokes - Management lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!”
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, “And why not? ”
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass .”
Management Lesson: “Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.”

Good Clean Jokes - Don't Litter

Three people were arrested when a recreation center reported their vending machine had been burglarized. The police arrived to find that most of the contents had been stolen. They went outside and followed a trail of Cheetos to a house nearby where they arrested the three young men.

Good Clean Jokes - Not Spicy Enough

A man called 911 to report that a sandwich shop had left off the hot sauce when making his spicy Italian sandwich. He called a second time to complain that the police were not responding quickly enough.

The employees had locked him out when he left to make the call because he was yelling at them and belligerent. The police tried to calm him down and explain the proper use of 911, to no avail. He was arrested and charged with making a false call to the police.

Good Clean Jokes - Watch Out For the Old Broads

An 85-year-old woman heard someone break into her home one Sunday afternoon. She calmly walked past the teenager and into her bedroom where she got a .22 caliber gun she kept there. Then she came back out, pointed the gun at him and made him pick up the phone and call the police.

She kept the gun pointed at him until the police arrived. The boy was charged with attempted burglary.

Good Clean Jokes - Don't Mess with Pizza Hut

A former employee of a Pizza Hut tried to extort $500 for five car roof signs that he took while he worked there. You know, the kind the pizza guy (or gal) puts on top of their car when they go delivering pizzas.

The manager told him he wanted proof that he really had them. So the guy emailed him a picture. Only problem was, the police were able to zoom in on the license plates of two cars in the background which were registered to the guy.

He was charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny.

Good Clean Jokes - Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

Good Clean Jokes - Dress Up

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw that her father was putting on his tuxedo, she said, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."

More Police

At the end of the day, a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his dog started barking. The policeman looked up to see a puzzled looking little boy. "Is that a dog you have back there?"

"Yes, it is," said the policeman.

"What'd he do?"

Good Clean Jokes - The Police

A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"

"Yes, I am," he said.

"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.

"Yes it is," said the policeman.

The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"

Norvegian Virus Joke

Received in a recent email:

VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus

Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.

Tank you for your cooperation,

Sven and Ole

Good Clean Jokes - Exercise Joke

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

Good Jokes - The Short Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Good Clean Jokes - The Stanford Study

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.

Good Clean Jokes - Blind Man

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a grocery store. they go straight to the middle and the man picks up his dog and starts to spin him around in circles. the store manager comes up and said "umm...exuse me sir can i help you?" the blind man says "no, i'm just looking around!"

Good Clean Jokes - Two Atoms

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.

One said: "Why do you look so sad?"

The other responded: "I lost an electron."

Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"

The other replied "I'm positive."

Good Clean Jokes - Humor Stories

So I was calling to order a pizza ,with the menu in
hand, i order a large pizza with ground beef, bacon,
and extra cheese and the girl on the phone says "oh
I'm sorry we don't have any ground beef" so i say "but
here on the menu it says you have hamburger" and she
responds "Oh well we have hamburger!" So i said ok
I'll take the hamburger instead of the ground beef
then. She says no problem!

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get
rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and
hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want
it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he
changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The
next day someone stole it.

----------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative
assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving"

----------------------------------------------------------

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big
party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount

If you Have Funny Stories To Share With Others...Feel Free To Submit Your Story(ies) With Us!

Good Clean Jokes Thug In A Bar

One day a dwarf is sitting in his local pub when suddenly a thug walks in and strikes him on his head with his hand and says "thats a chop from ju-jitsu!"

The next day the dwarfs in the bar again hoping the same won't happen again when the thug strode in again and jabs him in the stomach." I learnt how to do that at boxing club! stupid dwarf!"

That's it thought the dwarf I'm not taking this anymore. So, the next day when the thug was sitting at the bar the dwarf walked in and hits him so hard his head started to bleed."Where'd you learn that? asked the thug.

"Well to begin with you chopped me on the head with a chop you learned at ju-jutsi and then you jabbed me like you would in boxing and then I hit you with a crowbar from halfords!"

Good Clean Jokes Final Request

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Scrambled Eggs

A man once heard of a Indian who had the best memory on earth so the man asked the Indian, "what he had for breakfast one year ago the Indian?" The Indian replied, "eggs!"

The man then said how on earth would you know that? That was a guess So he went away very angrily.

A year later he came back and saw the Indian at the airport walked up and greeted him by saying HOW, the Indian Said Scrambled.

Chuck Norris Facts

Kids wear superman pajamas, superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.

Evolution is a list of things Chuck Norris let live.

the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Funeral Procession

A man was out for a walk and saw a funeral procession. But this one was strange. There was two hirsch... then a man and a dog walking behind them... then a very long line of people.

Curious, he went up to the man and asked, "who died?" The man answered "my mother-in-law and my wife" So then the man asked "if you don't mind me asking, how did they die? " The man answered "my dog killed them" The man thought for a moment then asked "Can I borrow your dog?" The man pointed behind him and said "Get in line"

light bulbs

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Perfect Summer Day

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

Two Dumb Fishermen

Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."

He Packed His Own Lunch

There were three construction workers and each of them always ate the same thing for lunch.

1st worker : "I'm tired of sandwiches it's always sandwich, sandwich, sandwich!"

2nd worker : "I'm sick of tacos! urgh..."

3rd worker : "Ahh how i hate beans! I eat them everyday!"

The second day it was the same thing for lunch.

1st worker : "If tomorrow I get sandwiches for lunch I'm going to jump from that bridge and kill myself!"

2nd worker : "One more taco and I'm jumping off that bridge and killing myself!"

3rd worker : "Beans again? If there's beans for lunch tomorrow I'm gonna jump from that bridge and kill myself!"

And yes, as always, the next day they had the same thing for lunch. So all of the three men jumped from the bridge and killed themselves.

The wives of the men were really sad and were crying for their husbands.

1st wife : "I would've never packed him sanwiches for lunch if I knew he would do that!"

2nd wife : "I would never had packed him tacos if I knew that would happen!"

3rd wife : "I wouldn't pack him beans if I knew that would happen but I don't get why he did that since he packed his own lunch!"

By Chapo
Arizona, USA

Dying Man

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing.


The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Dead Bird

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

Father Flaherty

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Fadder.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, [...]

There’s roses for that?

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for
my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on
the bouquet, a young man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last
bunch.” The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May
I [...]

Power outage

Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that
the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have
to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim [...]

Bell ringer

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the
Pearly Gates: “For Service Ring Bell.” Away he goes; he
barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes
back to the gates, but no one’s there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell
rings again. He rushes back to the [...]

Gun Jokes

A little boy ran home from school on the first day and pestered his
mother into taking him into a toy shop. When they got there he
insisted that she buy him a gun. “But why do you need a gun?” asked
his mother. “Because teacher told us she was going to teach us to draw
tomorrow.”

Funny Jokes – Books

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even
sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it [...]

Really, really blonde!

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver’s license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, “What does it look like?”
The blonde police officer tells her, “It’s that thing with
your picture [...]

Can you dig it?

Archaeologists were digging in Norway. They discovered a large statue of
the Norse god Thor. The statue had two large gemstones for eyes. Such a
statue had never before been seen. The two leading archaeologists both
wanted recognition for the find. They began to fight over who made the
discovery. The other archaeologists gathered to watch.

Eventually, the lead [...]

THE TITHE

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly,
“Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”

Wee Wisdom

Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining,
“Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache.”
“That’s because your stomach is empty,” her mother replied.
“You’d feel better if you had something in it.” She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family’s minister dropped by. While he
was chatting with Susie’s mom, he mentioned [...]

Graduates

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

The wrong color

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband.
The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was [...]

Fish memorial service

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What
are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, [...]

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think
of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he
decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to
begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” [...]

Collateral

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a
loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
“What are you going to do with the money?”
“Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t know collateral.”
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of
the [...]

At the Playground

We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to
his brother.
“Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.”
“Go down the slide while sitting, only.”
“Only one child on a swing at a time.”
(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised [...]

Penguins go to the Zoo

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs
across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The
van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo
to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to [...]

Camping in Yellowstone

A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone
National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather
firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found
their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large
bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and [...]

METHODIST SQUIRRELS

There were four country churches in a small Arkansas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the [...]

Fire wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]

Computer vs. Cars

Computer vs. Cars
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a
recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with
technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got
1,000 [...]

Golf Jokes

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, [...]

Life’s Imponderables

Life’s Little Questions…..
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new [...]

Funny Jokes – Birth control pills for granny

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the
young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for [...]

Prepare Three Envelopes

Prepare Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
“Open one of these each time you run into a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, [...]

Male/Female Comprehension

Words with Two Meanings…
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male………Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s
partner.
Male……….Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with
the boys.
4. COMMITMENT [...]

Widower Lawyer

A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should
cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left
out the phone number!”

A novice in the computer field

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented
with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure
how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most
reassuring voice, she said, “The computer wants to know what your name
is,” then she walked over to [...]

Hiccups

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with
the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on
the shoulder.
“Did that help?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife.
She’s waiting in the car.”

Community Service

One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern.
“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he [...]

What is an Antique?

An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
2. “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
3. “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look
more cheery.”
4. “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another
week.”
5. “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll [...]

What goes around

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for [...]

Funny Jokes – Proverbs for a computer

1) Home is where you hang your @.
2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4) You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5) Great groups from little icons grow.
6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7) In some places, C:\ [...]

Funny Jokes – State Mottos

Funny Jokes – State Mottos
Funny Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s
Don’t Own It Yet
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our [...]

Twins

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest
of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look
like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”

Putt, Putt

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a
confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy [...]

Funny Jokes – The family dog

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at
every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her
plate and held it up for him.
“Speak!” she said to the dog.
The dog says, “Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!”

Funny Jokes – The lengthy sermon

Funny Jokes – The lengthy sermon
A preacher noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his
message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
‘I went to get a haircut,’ was the reply.
‘But,’ said the pastor, ‘why didn’t you do that before [...]

Funny Jokes – Pragmatism

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right [...]

Halloween Jokes

Funny Jokes – for Halloween

Trick or Treating by your sign…

# Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

# Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

# Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

# Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

# Leo plans their costume for months, then won’t go out because someone else had the same idea.

# Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they’re a bookkeeper.

# Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

# Scorpio isn’t in it for the candy.

# Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

# Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

# Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

# Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

Funny Jokes – Missionary

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just
can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted
them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of
marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”
The second cannibal ask

THANKS FOR THE CHAIN LETTERS AND OTHER “INFORMATIONAL” EMAILS

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that
it’s good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting
on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants
because they cause cancer.
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the
estrogens they contain [...]

Quick…hide the Fireworks!

One year, Johnny’s family was having an “extended family”
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors’ plans had [...]

Funny Jokes – Stupid Questions

Who Says There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?
Below are questions that people “actually asked” of Park Rangers
around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit
to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park…
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to [...]

Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes – Kids’ Deep Thoughts

Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” –
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? [...]

Funny Jokes – MY kind of woman

Funny Jokes – MY kind of woman
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man
entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward her (as [...]

Halloween Jokes

This just in from Thelly the Story Lady in Cardiff by the Sea – She just had knee replacement surgery.
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy [...]

Funny Jokes – Baking cookies with your cat!

Funny Joke – Baking cookies with your cat!
Baking Cookies (with your cat)
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat’s nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift [...]

Kids’ Deep Thoughts

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! –Age 6
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have [...]

Good Clean Jokes

Great collection of good clean jokes. All about clean jokes, clean funny jokes, clean short jokes, good clean jokes, free clean jokes.